It’s already Friday. Such a quick week despite only getting about 16 hours of sleep since Saturday night. That’s a lot less than the normal 80 hours a week I usually approach. That’s because I hate myself and hate my life and what I’ve done to it but that’s for another blog. I didn’t sleep because I was using something to try to get off of something worse and it sort of worked though tonight I answered my phone and my connection brought over two bindles of whatever. I only did one but it totally refreshed my mind and gave me energy where just a few hours before I hardly managed to force myself out to the tienda to get some water and a snack. Haven’t eaten much since I had a pizza on Sunday during the Super Bowl.
I’ve been very suicidal. At 20 something it seems like it’s not really worth it because you figure you’ve got so many good young years left that something good is bound to happen. At 40, I haven’t got a clue why I didn’t just stab myself. If I had a real cutting knife in my kitchen I probably would have. I haven’t been this depressed in years. I realize I’ve most of my money and the last 13 months pursuing nothing but chemical annihilation for 12 hours at a time. And trying to avoid the withdrawals from such. Sad music helps but it makes it all even worse. I don’t have any plans for my future anymore. Not a lot of hope that I will ever be strong enough or have the character required to actually change my situation either. I make so many fucking mistakes and then I keep on making them and making them until I’m stuck. I can’t even write anymore. The misery knocks around in inside my head like a rubber ball and somehow makes me feel even worse. How the fuck do I get myself out of this miles-deep rut?