It’s very difficult. I am so weak. If I don’t have something every day my life just grinds to a halt and time slows down to nothing. It costs me most of my money and time. I sit around waiting for my connect sometimes for hours at a time. Sure, I could go to the Mercado de Asbastos but I’m such a huge gringo target, it ends up costing me more in bribes and the fucking MS 13  is down there slinging retail. Half sell and half rob. I don’t want to deal with that shit. I’m too old to be addicted to this shit. I’ve gone through it and gotten clean so many times. From poppy pod tea to tramadol to heroin to oxycontin to hydrocodone. I can get by but I can’t get by. I have 4000 pesos left to my name right now. I still have three weeks. I don’t want to call my connect tomorrow. I only made it to about 5:30 pm today. The loperamide managed the withdrawal but I was left WANTING. Wanting a substance to mute my brain for the next 12 hours. I need it. I was so fucking healthy just about a year ago and then I came back from Guatemala and moved into this great apartment and I had a ticket to move to Ecuador to be with Johanna but I literally chose heroin over a potential life-changing relationship. I didn’t go. I spent $300 for the ticket and I did nothing for the next 11 months but sit around in my apartment and wait for the dope man to come. I’ve lived this life too long. I’m not on much but it’s enough. It’s very pure here. I need to make a huge change in my life and I thought I had it all planned today and I was ready and prepared and then at the last minute I gave in like a sucker. I’m never going to be able to leave this country if I spend all my damn money on dope. I hate even acknowledging that this is a fucking problem for me still. I want to join the gym again and be healthy and work it off but I just haven’t yet been able to rise above it. I don’t know why. When I’ve been about 16 hours without I just start to melt into myself and the world becomes so flat and colorless and all I want is just ONE more experience of feeling that I don’t have to feel everything for a single fucking night. Well, I haven’t felt anything for almost a year again. I’ve lived on $50 a month for food and suffered so much just to support my stupid habit. And when I think I have him beat, I hear him whistle outside and it’s too fucking tempting for me. I am going to look into staying at a cheap place in town. A place I can hide from his visit and change my surroundings a little. I hope it might work but I don’t know. I am lucky that I’ve made it this far, frankly. I know that the loperamide will hold me. I won’t feel great but I won’t be in that awful mucus bubble either. Or going to the bathroom every five minutes. I used to quit all the time and I’d be able to go a week or two and kick but I haven’t gone longer than Monday, Tuesday and then a bag late Wednesday. I cannot afford to keep doing this. I want to change my life. I want to fix it a bit. Or at least give myself the chance to fix it. It’s not too late. If I can will myself to stay clean one day, tomorrow maybe then that’s ONE DAY and that’s done. And I’ve saved 3500 to 7000 pesos in just the first week. But I feel so lousy and I KNOW exactly what will make me feel better. It’s almost like the ritual itself is more powerful thsn the substance. As soon s I’m finished with a bag and have nothing left I start to feel like shit, when I SHOULD be feeling the best. It’s similar to chewing your fingernails but so much worse obviously. I don’t want to be some druggy writer who doesn’t write very often any more. My hair is gone gray. I am 40. I am alone. I want to be able to make myself happpy. Not to have to rely on a drug.

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