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One of the greatest privileges of living abroad is not having a dozen fast food news channels with their creepy crawling headline type repeating the top three stories of the day’s news cycle. A news cycle is similar to a tidal flow and ebb, pretty easy to predict and nothing really to be remembered for tomorrow. Still, saying there are seven different oceans on the planet is short-sighted. In all but name, there is just one ocean.

So… I’ve heard about former Nevada Wolfpack QB Colin Kaepernick protesting the national anthem by sitting down while it plays (while watching the Olympics this summer, I ALWAYS got up off the sofa when an American won a gold medal ((all 96 times)) to pay proper respect to the US flag) so if Colin K. doesn’t start standing for the US anthem and giving Old Glory a proper Bellamy salute like we used to before the Romans and later the German National Socialists went and tooked our dance moves and we moved to place our hands on our hearts instead (what other sane country that’s not in a George Orwell novel  actually insists on this?) I might burn all my football jerseys and footballs and football supplies and … I mean what’s up with this guy anyhow? Does he have a HEAD INJURY or something? Gee whiz!

The Pledge of Allegiance was required in every school I ever attended and I once volunteered to go lower the flags at the end of social studies class in middle school just to get out of class early and hang out with my friend Boone. There was a certain way you’re supposed to fold the US flag, triangles, and if it falls on the ground you’re technically supposed to burn it. We were only trying to do what was right when Mr. Pritts caught Boone and I trying to light a corner of the Chinese made flag on fire with a lit cigarette.

I had in school suspension, but it wasn’t regular suspension–it was like political reeducation camp. A gulag so close to the cafeteria that my stomach rumbled while a guy who made his living as the high school driving instructor told us how it was our RIGHT not to salute the flag and then told us how it was something that we really wanted to do, no doubt.  And just like I’m sure the people at those Pakistani weddings we like to blow up with drone-fired hellfire missiles would be doing if they could. Who doesn’t love the USA? I love it as much as Lee Greenwood loves music or as much as a good marine missing half his stomach from a friendly fire incident loves a good morphine drip. Just don’t give the guy any of that Oxycontin because that’s as bad as heroin. If he’s morally weak, he might very well be taken in by the drug and become physically and mentally dependent upon it to get by. Besides, acute opiate withdrawal gives you the runs and a guy without a proper stomach or functioning legs can’t be getting up to go squirt every ten minutes for four days so of course he’ll be mighty tempted to turn to slamming street dope laced with fentanyl and if he ODs it’ll just be one less worthless dope addict WE TAXPAYERS have to support! Hillary for Prison 2016, indeed! I’m with Gary Johnson! What the fuck is Aleppo and why should I give a damn? It’s got ZERO to do with the refugee crisis in Europe. Maybe we should use TACTICAL NUKES in Syria and just kill everybody and let Allah sort it all out. U! S! A! I’m with the super talented, preemminent super-patrioette Faith Hill… I’m soooo ready for some FOOTBALL! I’ll be standing for the national anthem like I always do at home. Somebody make that black guy stand for it.

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