The first 24-36 hours of a fast are the most challenging for me, so I had to think for a moment before breaking it the other day with a sandwich brought to me by my friend who can barely feed his five daughters, let alone a hapless guero left flat broke and hungry in his beautiful city.
I ate. It was completely delicious and pica because of the chile rellenos. Amazing flavors hit your tongue and you start to reconsider the value you place on your five (non-metaphysical) senses.
Obviously he knows I am starving, but I wonder if he would ever believe that by bringing me food he has been able to change my perceptions of life temporarily and let me go on without finishing myself off. His gesture alone gives me some hope for humanity and makes me feel bit less alienated. First thing I do is weave my way through tourists in shorts and (may as well be) underwear at the entrance and I go sit in the large church. I don’t have the pesos to light a candle for my friends who are on the other side. Not even sure how much I am willing to believe in Him today but I try to give Him the benefit of the doubt.
I have a 3,000 word article due tonight. I’ve written about half of it though it’s very rough. Luckily the editor likes my writing and it seems the less editing I do is usually for the best in his eyes.
Now down to 14.0625 grams of Effexor per day, soon to be between 7 and 10 grams. Occasionally I feel the wobbly earth and am very tired but the brain zaps seem minimal because of the taper instead of the normal cold turkey. A man with a full stomach is less likely to kill himself maybe? I don’t currently feel the need to walk into the path of an oncoming bus. I guess that’s an improvement. Hopefully it’s forever and ever but I am not a child. At least not by technically.
One thing that has actually helped at times is getting an online I Ching reading and interpretation. I know that there is a huge confirmation bias, like reading your horoscope from the newspaper. Which reminds me–growing up there were two different horoscopes for each sign. One of them actually made you match up the numbers with corresponding words, usually to find out on a Friday something like “all that stress at work will soon abate for 48 hours.” Really? It’s a weekend. No shit. But you had a choice of which horoscope you wanted to believe. It’s essentially picking a fortune cookie and deciding that cookie knows you better than you know yourself.
Certainly some cookies DO know me better than I know myself.